Starting Over

The thoughts remain the same.  I don't want to live here.  I want to live here.  I want to RV.  I don't want to give up all my stuff.  I don't want this stuff any more, it is a burden.  I don't want to work in the yard.  I hate to clean the same house over and over.  There has to be more to life than being alone, stuck in a place, without enough money to do anything to break the monotony.

The same laments as a year ago.  Had I gotten my ass in gear then and done what has to be done, I would be singing a different tune by now.  Instead I did nothing and am in the same boat. 

Maybe it's time to start over?

Flip-Flopping

This is a typical ADHD trait in adults - not all adults (or kids for that matter) with ADD or ADHD have the same "symptoms", but this is definitely one of my big ones.  I remember flip-flopping about getting a divorce for at least 10 years.  I would change my mind on a daily basis, some days several times.

Now (and for the last few years) I do the same thing about how/where to live.  I would love to live in an RV, but it requires me to sell my house.  I am ok with that most of the time, especially because the yard is way too big and I don't think I have enough of a retirement income to maintain the house properly.  But I love my house and I love my stuff.  For some reason I fear letting go of my stuff. 

I have a feeling it has a lot to do with knowing that I cannot go back to a job that pays well enough to replace it all.  For one thing, I could never buy another house by the ocean. 

I would also like to live back home in Germany, at least part of the year.  It would have to be just part of the year so that I will be able to keep my resident visa.  I miss my sisters and envy them for being able to see each other whenever they want.  Of course I can go to Germany whenever I have a couple hundred dollars thanks to my brilliant son with his airline job.  I don't really flip-flop on my desire to live in Germany, there it's more the difficulties involved - like the 100 lb. dog who I can't leave with Hans any longer every time I feel like being gone for a few weeks or months.  Not nice for the son or the dog.

Maybe writing my thoughts down every day (or nearly every day) will help me come up with the perfect solution I can/want to live with.

From thinking to doing

I keep coming back to the same thing:  I don't want to be stuck in one place.  I don't want to spend my life cleaning and doing yard work.  I don't want the responsibilities that come with owning a house and lots of stuff.

I've been dreaming of "full-timing" in an RV for years now.  It's time to act on my dreams!

The goal:  Sell the house and buy a small travel trailer (my choice is the Casita Liberty Deluxe 17') that I can pull with my Explorer.

Timeline:  Have house ready for sale on June 1, 2011 (or earlier).  Order trailer as soon as I have the down payment saved up (after paying off my visa card).  Pick up trailer as soon as it is finished and pay with proceeds from house.

ADHD has me unfocused most of the time, but I have finally gotten help with that and am taking a daily pill (whenever I remember to do it) which helps me focus.  The only thing in my way are my uncooperative egos.  I'm ready to fight them all!

August 1, oh well...

Seven months gone and I don't think I've done any of the things I wrote about in the last post. (I didn't even remember that I made the post in the first place...) Can one make resolutions in the middle of the year? or just at the beginning. I resolve to post what I do etc. every day for this month. Maybe I can form a habit. It would give me a way to keep track of what I should do and what I'm actually doing. Maybe pictures? If I can figure out how to add them...

Self Discipline

From Tanksgiving (11/27/08) until the last day of the year (more or less), I was on 21 days juice fast followed by 8 days water fast, followed by another (almost) 6 days juice fast. My self discipline problems started even before the end of the fast. I made kimchi on the 29th or there abouts and just had to sample the juice on the 30th and 31st, and even ate some of the kimchi on the 31st. I felt so good throughout the fast, and a couple of days before the end I could see the mountains clearly. When I went back to eating, I ate too much right away, ate very spicy kimchi (lots of it), and ended up going to bed with a full and hurting stomach two nights in a row now. I feel bloated and unhealthy. I made eggless egg salad twice already, ate the first batch on the 1st and yesterday, and now have another full bowl waiting in the fridge. I bought a load of vegetables and fruits, along with lots of nuts etc., spent a fortune (much more than my budget really allows), and now have all this food sitting and waiting to be eaten before it has a chance to spoil. I had weighed myself on the last day of the water fast (138 lbs), and then on the 1st of January, the first day off the fast (142.5 lbs). Today on the 3rd of January, I weighed in at 149 pounds. I am so disgusted with myself and my total lack of self discipline.
It doesn't just concern the eating. I am lacking discipline in most areas (probably all areas) of my life. My house is full of pet hair and dust. It does not get vacuumed more than once every month. The kitchen and bathroom floors are dirty and need to be washed. About the only thing I do on a fairly regular basis is wash laundry. I don't know why I am this way. I always look for the easy way out. It's easier to sit and knit than to clean a house. Even right now, it's easier to sit and write about it than to actually do something. I have to change! I bought the FLylady Journal over a year ago (I know I was still at Dr.Swanson's), but never really even read it. I have to get a grip on my life, otherwise I will slide back into feeling depressed about eveerything. NOT ALLOWED!
I like to make lists (then normally misplace them). Sometimes I find a list I had made several months or even a couple of years earlier and find, that most everything I had listed I actually accomplished, even without ever looking at the list again. So I guess the list making itswelf helps get stuff aligned in my brain. So some of the things on my list for this year, in no particular order: Paint bedrooms and bathrooms. Bring shelves and books back from storage. Plant all daylilies. Plant all plants currently sitting around in pots. Have all raised beds filled with vegetables this summer. Make at least two new beds for more veggies, and one coldframe for salads next winter. Paint outside of house. Make cleaning house a weekly routine. Find something to do that pays real money. Make friends. Live within my means. Pay off Visa credit card in full. Exercise daily (walk Max). Clean up flower beds and cover with fabric. Replant trees. Be content. Keep up blog.
Let's see how many of the items can be crossed out by the end of this year.

My very first blog entry...

My favorite quote, for the moment...

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Goethe

I would like to remember this daily and start living my dream...first I have to figure out "my dream" , formulate it, put it down on paper. I can't live something or strive for something that only exists in a muddled mess. Maybe writing about my daily thoughts and (hopefully) actions will help me come up with what my "best life" will look like.